Getting into the spirit of it all....

Well I'm sure you all understand just how busy this time of year can be.  From Christmas and Holiday Concerts with the little ones, to shopping and parties the list just continues until everyone is so exhausted they practically fall asleep standing up!

I was hoping to wait to put up the tree until the first snow fall in December came upon us, however, watching the forecast, we soon realized that the first real snow fall wasn't expected until Christmas Eve and having three little ones, a wait that long just isn't a possibility.  So, after some discussion we decided this weekend was the one, and despite the rain and the grey outside we were going to have a great time!

It's the first real Christmas where James, our youngest, really has an understanding of what we are doing and why, and was into all the decorations, and putting up the tree, and and and. We played Christmas music, dogs got into things they weren't supposed to, and at the end of it all, Brad picked up our littlest, and carefully, gingerly even, he put the old tattered angel that I've had for over a decade, upon the highest bough.

That's when I got a little teary eyed.  You know, I don't think I've ever really admitted it out loud, but part of the reason I do photography, is so that I don't have to deal with what is actually going on at that exact moment in time.  It's kind of hard to explain, but it's similar to using that lens as a television, where I can see what is transpiring, I capture the moment, and hopefully all the emotion therein, and then, after the kids have gone to bed, and the house is quiet, I do my photo editing..... it is at that moment that I begin to really process and digest what all was going on at that moment..... it allows me to kind of keep my emotional distance, until I have a moment to give it the respect it deserves. Sometimes, those moments are beautiful and wonderful, and I can't wait to get home, punch my card into my computer, and start my photo processing journey, other times, I know I really don't want to deal with those emotions, so those pictures stay there a bit, until I can sit down, prepare myself, and go through them...... Today I got teary eyed for many reasons, obviously one being that Brad is here, with us, and strong enough to pick up his fourty pound three year old to place that tattered angel atop the tree, and everyone is smiling and laughing and whistling out of tune..... The other side is a firm and strong realization at just how close we came to losing him, and knowing what that little three year old, ten year old, and eleven year old's Christmas wish would have been..... and how close I came to trying to explain why some Christmas wishes don't come true. 

Today it was a very real fear, a genuine appreciation for those who worked so hard to save my husband's life, and those that stood by, listened to me vent, and saved my sanity, my family, and I am eternally grateful to them all.....

But today is a great day...... Christmas really does begin for us today, and a new year is just around the corner..... time to move onwards and upwards!

Happy Holiday's from our home and hearts to yours!

Just when you thought you had it figured out.....

So here I am, American Thanksgiving, snuggled down on the couch, outside it's silent, the world cozied up under 6" thick, fluffy snow blanket, enjoying a piece of the most delicious Sweet Potato Pie (A La Mode I might add) watching nat geo, when it happens.

You see, this is another one of those moments where you become comfortable.  Another one of those days where the thoughts of what happened only a few weeks ago (17 + 2 days to be precise) are all too far away, and are replaced with the videos that Santa sent our boys this morning, and the "An Animal Saved My Life" show on Animal Planet.  I know it is silly, but I look forward to days like today, the one's where I'm reminded, it's like a false sense of security in that, if they happen often enough, I'll be reminded often enough to ensure that we are almost always making the right decisions.....

Anyway, to be frank, I thought I had it licked, those tears that come when we are sometimes reminded.  Normally in high stress scenarios I'm the one who throws herself into research, reminding myself of how lucky we are, and trying to help others become more aware, very seldom do I allow my emotions to get the better of me, but when it catches you off guard it's hard to avoid.

That is precisely what happened tonight, we're sitting there, getting ready to discover and ooooo and ahhhh over how an animal saved someone's life, when the story takes a turn that I, for some odd reason, hadn't considered, and the woman in the show, in a matter of minutes, was having a heart attack.  It was the kind of moment I couldn't pry my eyes off the television, and tears rolled down my cheeks, and I apologized over and over to Brad (who of course said, don't be silly, it's just too close to home) in that shaky voice we get when we are trying far to hard to fight the tears..... I had to watch it, I just had to.  It was a beautiful story where the woman was saved by her pot bellied pig who stopped traffic to get help in between checking on her owner, but there I was, back in the ER, praying I was wrong.

Instantly those fears, exasperations, regrets, everything just came flooding back like someone had ripped open a scab long before it should have been, and the result was more emotion than I had prepared myself for.  And yet here I am again, so very thankful, I don't have that anger I had before, or that "it's not fair" feeling, instead I was just happy that we are where we are.  It's so very strange to feel all those previous feelings while, at the exact same time feeling happiness, immense happiness.

Brad kissed me on the forehead, gave me a smile, and we went on with the rest of our evening..... smiling and laughing like we just got a new lease on life, because that's what it really is.

The Wedge....

I think today was my first real down day in a long time.... and it's not the recovery process or the kids listening, it's not that the house is so old that it has little to no insulation and we can feel a distinct draft at -5 degrees Celsius or that the arctic wind that the weather warning was about was so strong that it filled my living room with smoke from our fire place. Despite the frustrations that we deal with daily, none of those really got to me; however, I am having a difficult time locating part time employment (it really does say something when a thirty something year old has resorted to applying at Starbucks and McDonalds and still can't get an interview), and with three kiddos, the thought of January is absolutely terrifying as my employment insurance runs out after the first week.

We have sat down and calculated it all out but it all comes down to the same thing.... we are at that horrible cusp, where if I go back to work full time I would be working to pay daycare, and I can't find part time evening and weekend employment.  Our budget come January is beyond tight, so much so that we have even considered selling off whatever we can and just packing up the family to move to the states.

Yeah it's frustrating, I feel like stomping my little foot and shouting "It's not fair!"  I dread the thought of Christmas coming up, and the new year, and so much more..... this is the kind of stress I worry about washing over on to hubby.  He doesn't need that stress, it's not good for his heart, and although he feels totally healed, he's not and it's not okay for him to carry that.

It genuinely feels like I'm wedged, and not quite sure where to go with it.... and it's hard during these times not to be dragged all the way down, from the frustrations of being a parent, between the home and the kids, school and recovery, cheerleading and job hunting, and through all of it, I'm grumpy because I feel so frustrated when I should be sitting here being thankful for what we do have.  It's irritating and frustrating both with the situation and circumstance and with myself for seeing the positive but not feeling it.  The fear and frustration, anxiety and overwhelmingness of it all just seems to cloud it sometimes, and damnit, it's not fair.

I know that what we are facing is not going to kill us, in fact on the grand scheme of things I will likely look back at these moments, albeit many years from now, and be thankful for the lessons and likely remember the laughs.

Today is just one of those days I wish I could find all the solutions.... but I haven't yet, and no idea where to go from here.  Well what do you know, I'm human!

I'm thinking I need to cozy up next to the fire, take a deep breath, drink a hot cup of tea, and then watch House (it's a new episode after all!).  For the record, both Tyler and James were having issues with their listening ears (hence the picture of them in the corner for a time out) but Brad did make a stellar, I mean knock your socks off amazing, soup for dinner, and that in itself worth one heck of a smile!

Snow truly is....

magical!  Really it is! Just ask any parent!  Last night we waited, and waited, the forecast called for snow, and so we snuggled down, watched a movie, played some family video and board games, watched more movies and even some cartoons.... the children, at every interval ran to the windows, tore open the drapes, and repeatedly walked away with an "awwww" at the lack of snow; and then from the corner of my eye I saw a glint, just a little flicker, I should note that like mothers, children tend to be somewhat psychic, because without my even mentioning it, in the middle of their turn, two of them bolted from their cozy little spots, ran to the windows and exclaimed "SNOW!!!"

Now I don't say that it's magical because of the way it looks, or smells (though it really does have it's own distinct smell), nope, and it's not that the weather is chilly enough to see your breath or write on the windows in steam, not even close, it's because for the first 24 hours after the snow starts falling, little people will do almost anything to get the opportunity to go outside and play.  Rosey cheeks, cold toes, wet gloves, hot cocoa, dogs rooting through it like pigs hunting for truffles, catching it on their tongues, and they are all smiling.  There's no whining or crying, just smiles and laughter!  What's even better is that excitement rubs off on the rest of us, and the team flies into action, living room is cleaned, snowmen are made (with even the smallest amount of snow), and when everyone starts getting a little bit tired, hubby does a puppet show that even the 10 and 11 year old enjoy.

Yes, snow is truly magical because in the eyes of children, it is a rare and special gift that defies what should be...... you go to bed one night, and the ground is green and brown, the beautiful reds and oranges of autumn caress the ground like a silk blanket, the fire roars and crackles and pops, and when you wake up the world is silent, insulated under this comfy cozy down like quilt.  Every chimney in the neighbourhood is perculating and puffs of smoke fill the air with a scent of Christmas just around the corner.  Winter memories are told, and puppies dance through the back yard, and moms and dads everywhere smile over their first cup of warm hot coffee for the day.

*sigh*  I love the snow because somewhere deep inside us all, it brings to life the instinctual team work that is human nature, team work for survival despite the fact that today we take for granted the availability and luxuries of life.

We ended this morning dancing in the living room to our favorite songs.... does it get any better than this?

Waiting for the snow.....

This year they have forecasted the worst winter in half a century..... and here we are, November 19th, waiting for the snow to start.  It's cold, we had freezing rain this morning, and the wind has just started picking up.  The kids are snuggling watching the Grinch.... the fire is going, we are enjoying a blissfully lazy day, and I figured I would take this moment to snap a shot or two.

I find it difficult now a days to take a decent shot of Brad because when he's here he's either working (so insert lap top) or it's after working hours and it's dark out forcing me to use the darn flash (for those who might not know me, I can't stand pics with a basic flash).

Thankfully Brad is feeling much better today, his cough isn't tearing him apart as much, and his cold is subsiding, and his muscles aren't as sore.  Personally I am so very excited about the snow.... literally just sitting here waiting... it's like waiting for a mini Christmas!

It's funny there are days when I can't think of something to post with regards to Brad's recovery, not because it is or isn't progressing, but because today is one of those "normal" kind of days.  My mind is more occupied with kids and laundry, puppy training, and snow..... and it may sound silly, but I remember just begging for days like this only a few weeks ago, and here I am now.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday and it made me think of us (embedded the video from youtube below), Brad and I, and our work together, rediscovering who we are, what we are, how we fit together, and how we are working to move forward together.....it just fits so perfectly..... can't tell you just how much I would have appreciated this song right out of surgery..... how close it is to how we feel day in day out.... our own little "happily ever after," cheesy yes, but that's just who we are.  The only way to describe it is..... it's bringing home my favorite cookies for no other reason than he saw them and thought of me, or making sure to grab a fountain diet coke while I was out because I know that to him it tastes better than the bottled stuff.  It's smiling when our little one smiles, and laughing at our 10 year old's jokes and really meaning every moment of that.  This, right here and now, this is it, this is what I was waiting for.  Change doesn't have to be scary if you work through it as a team.

When Momma Ain't Happy

I think today my children would have called me scary, hubby on the other hand was just beaming.  To rephrase my pick up with Tyler...."Hey Tyler, glad to see you had a great day, just thought I would give you a head's up..... I saw your room......." *SILENCE*

Tyler's helper was so funny, cause she looked at him somewhat confused, and asked what that meant, and he just smiled and said, "It means the room will be cleaned before bed if we like it or not, and if we cry about it, there will be more chores added up for tomorrow."

To be completely frank, I think Tyler was probably the best preparation in the world for what we go through, because autism, as difficult as it can be, he still has this amazing ability to be in his own world sometimes, kind of like this blog is for me..... when I sit down here at the computer, every person in the house knows that it's blog time, and the best they can hope for is a blank stare as they chatter..... They have finally come to the conclusion, even Tyler, to say "Oh, Right, the blog, I'll come back in a few moments mom," and off they go, and I continue on my tangent.

Today's picture is kind of funny.... and directly relates to cleaning of rooms.... today was special, because there was no yelling, no carrying on, no crying from the kiddos, nope..... I was quiet, very quiet, and I purchased highlighter colored neon rubbermaid see through bins in green and blue, and we organized every toy.  On each bin we wrote a description of what was inside, AND drew a picture so even Tyler and little brothers didn't have an excuse, and Daddy had a dance party in the kitchen with baby James and played with our hand tame pigeon Homer (you know Homing Pigeon.... Homer Pigeon .... I know I know it's cheesy but all the kids got it and laughed so it stuck!)

Of course I am not naive, I know that in a month's time I am going to walk into their room and my fuzzy little head is going to feel like it will implode, but it's so great to feel normal.

They are calling for some snow this week, though they keep changing it, so figure between 1/2 inch and 1 foot!  The temp will be cold cold cold though!  No idea how we are going to broach this next hurdle... snowfall..... it's really odd, but on some of the forums, some people have been told to never shovel snow again, but his cardiac surgeon said snow shoveling was just fine.  This is where some of our frustration comes in, I mean, granted, "listen to your body," but what do you listen to before that?  Where do you take your lead from?  Again, sometimes overwhelming.... forums are as much a blessing as they are a curse.

Anyway, so Brad and James made dinner during their dance party, we ate while watching iCarly with the kiddos for being so good, and now the older two are doing the dishes.... better than winning the lottery I tell you!

As for Brad.  He's had a cold lately, but nothing serious, the cough only lasted a day, and though it wasn't what anyone would call comfortable, though it paled by comparison to the ball pin hammer sneeze.

Just when you think you are out of the woods.....

Granted, it's not as serious as it sounds..... things seem to have gotten pretty much back to normal, kids bouncing off the walls with all the xmas getup at the malls etc (though why they are up so soon is beyond me), dogs and puppies mucking around in the mud, meaning the floors get washed more times than I can count, parent teacher interviews, "special guest" nights at preschool and the list goes on.

I am no longer reminded daily that my husband is, and always will be a heart patient..... in fact, there are whole days where I forget, something I never thought would be possible.  Of course all that really means is I'm shocked back to reality if I see him rubbing his left shoulder, or complaining about a sore muscle, and that fear comes rushing back all over again.

I thought Christmas this year was going to be great.  Our youngest son is three, so it's going to be an amazing Christmas, but what I didn't anticipate was how emotional I am already feeling for still having Brad here, with us.  Christmas carols are more impactful, I find myself tearing up because I can't fight the thought of what could have happened and what we are hoping to prevent from happening in the future.  I can't help the thought of what Christmas could have been like without hubby, and it feels so wrong to admit to those thoughts, like I'm being morbid.

I was on a forum of sorts for people going through some of these things, and I came across a post that was written by a daughter about her father.  She was worried, she wanted to help him through his depression but was worried that he would feel like she was treating him like he was 90 years old (which he was already feeling) and I felt compelled to respond. 

It's so hard sometimes, as the supporter/caregiver/cheerleader, to allow ourselves to be human.  We're always second guessing what we are saying or said, or where we plan to go..... it sounds silly really, but we're stuck in this funny limbo of not wanting to push to hard or soft, being too gentle or too stern..... it's all such a delicate balance, and it makes it difficult at times.  This of course is not to say that I would change one thing.  No, that "could have been" is better left as a horrible thought that I like to pretend never crosses my mind, no, I'm quite happy with having him here..... but I have discovered something.  As much as I hate to admit it, he has changed, and I have changed.  Not for the better or worse, but changed.  I like to try to think of it as a second honeymoon, where we are relearning more and more about who he is, and who I am..... and I am happy to report that our fairytale has only just begun.  So, I'm going to log off here, pour myself a steaming hot cup of tea, snuggle down next to our sleeping toddler, and just watch him for a few moments, and smile, because in all honesty, moments like this are all too often taken for granted.

Ghouls and Ghosts and Goblins, Oh My!

Halloween night.... I really hadn't thought about it, until yesterday, because it's always so busy.  My birthday falls on the 28th, so from that time forward I am baking and icing, and making sure everyone has what they need..... until..... Halloween night.  On Halloween Night you think of Trick or Treating for your little ones, and candy for the ones coming to you, and startling people..... what you don't think about is the distance that you walk, and if you have recently had open heart surgery, I believe that this would be a snapshot of how you are really doing with your recovery.

Last night, we started trick or treating around a friend's place, then through a gated community, then down to another friend's place, down a long old country road and finally we were done.  Took over two hours, we didn't get leaps and bounds of candy because they don't eat it all anyway (in fact last week I threw out the half bags that were left from last year!)

Brad did so well last night, not only did he walk the whole way, which I know isn't a big ordeal because let's face it, he walks all the time (that's the key to his recovering so well), but the majority of the time he had little James hanging out on top of his shoulders!  Sure there were moments where you could tell he was getting tired, and we'd stop for a moment and I would bring up something to talk about so that he wouldn't feel like it was him, then back at it.....

It's funny because last night I realized he had changed just a little, he's more of a yes dad, he wants to make sure he doesn't miss a moment, and when the 10 year old says "Please can we go to the cemetery"  the answer was yes!  Frankly I think I like these little changes, not that they didn't happen before, but he was more tired before (believe it or not) and now, whether it's from perspective, or a better beating heart, or both for that matter, I think we're all thankful! 

And Chaos ensues

I never thought I would ever look forward to chaos, regular family chaos, but I did, and today was the epitome of "normal."  Well as normal as can be expected for our nutty not-so-little family! 

Today Brad worked from home again (thank goodness) and my day started at 6am getting everything together for all three kiddos.  Sebastien had a presentation at the school, Tyler had to go to school, and James had to go to preschool, I got to deal with a kafuffle with regards to student support services, dealt with school district administration, then rush to pick everyone up and bring them all home in time to make home made pizza!

I honestly thought it would never happen, that moment that I wasn't worried about Brad, figuring out what Brad was doing, or supposed to be doing, or concerned about him and his heart, but that actually happened today!  For the first time since his surgery, I turned to him for support..... and it felt good, like a really old, worn in, butter soft glove, and I stopped for a moment and smiled.

Now I'm sitting here, listening to Brad get James a drink, and the older two enjoying a new movie in their bedroom, and just relishing every moment of this "normal" phase, that I know will pass all too soon.

This weekend for example, it was the first time that it had happened... Brad was out in the garage cleaning things out for the Autumn season, and actually had a bit of pain in his chest.  It was a little scary for both of us, but he took his break and everything was fine.  He's certain it wasn't his heart, but as with all things in the healing process you have to listen to your body, and so he did.... still, sometimes it feels like there's always that one thing hanging over what's supposed to be "normal" family life..... always this little inclination, not so gentle reminders, be it a fleeting memory triggered by a smell or a sound, a song, or just because.  Sometimes I hate it, but most times I smile because we did it, we made it through it, and we are lucky enough to truly understand the blessing that is life, how lucky we were and are.  Yes, sometimes I think, "it was so much easier back then," but I can tell you this, at three months out, I sure smile a whole lot more, and I count my blessings probably 100 x time more..... yes, before the surgery life was so much simpler, but look at what I was missing.

Of course, that's not to say that I would ever recommend this to anyone, this path that we've gone down, no, definitely not, but if you find yourself along this path someday, remember to see the positive, breathe that breath of fresh air, and relish in just how wonderfully lucky and blessed we all are to be here, and experiencing all that is around us.

(on a side note, my camera was left at my parents during a visit on the weekend, so the grainy shot above is a blackberry special!)

Two steps forward, then three, then four.....

Yesterday I received a note from someone at the Heart and Stroke Foundation as I am a member on their message boards (located here: ) and was asked if I wouldn't mind being interviewed as a caregiver, wife, and parent of a young family who have pushed through this ordeal.  Of course I obliged, but it triggered a chain reaction.....

It's funny how the human body protects itself..... after talking with the amazing woman on the phone, I hung up, and started perusing my blog, reading through all the moments, each step, each milestone..... and each and every one of those emotions came flooding back, almost like my mind had blocked them out (not that I couldn't remember them, but rather I didn't still feel the emotions.)  Part of this, of course, can be attributed to how busy we are, how busy our family is, but then I got to thinking.... honestly, how DID we do it???  In fact, while I was reading my blog, I flashed back to my time in hospital with Brad, terrified and worried about recovery because, just how the heck do you take care of a 40 year old husband only four days out of what's considered one of the most invasive surgical procedures now-a-days, bring him home, take care of him, ensure he's taking his meds, doing his mobility exercises, walking enough, while taking care of three boys, one with mild autism, and the youngest being three, and two dogs, and still get the house done, the chores done, the laundry done????   So that's what I'm going to tell...... this is how WE did it.

Step One - prepare before hand if at all possible, talk to your partner and agree to be a team, I really can't stress this enough.... you absolutely HAVE  to be a team because if you are communicating when he starts to feel down you can help him up, and then when you start to feel down, he can help pull you back up.

Step Two - some of the best advice given to us was from Akbar in the CSICU, train the littlest.  James, our three year old, understood pillow patrol as Akbar had said to bring him in regularly.  Pillow patrol worked out perfectly, it made James feel important and included, as well, he would notice things that the rest of us might not have!

Step Three - Know that you ARE allowed to be human, but that you need to be sensitive as to how what you say and do can impact the one you are trying to help.  Talk to a couple of your friends before hand and ask if they wouldn't mind being there when you need to talk.

Step Four - Don't be afraid to ask for help..... okay, I know that I am a stubborn and driven wife and mother, so I honestly only did this once, but boy did I need it! I honestly thought that in a matter of 24 hrs I was going to lose all my marbles and the world was going to come crashing down around me..... Moms and friends are invaluable.

Step Five - Have a sense of humour!  Honestly, even if you are just cracking knock knock jokes with the kids, you'll find it makes life just that much more bearable!

Finally Step Six - Bask in the love that is your partnership, work together and realize just how wonderful it is to have the opportunity to go through this rather than the alternative...... and that at times it will be damn hard, but worth every moment to have your best friend there with you.

I've likely been rambling your ears off now, but I realized I hadn't really set a list out of just how we did it....and that's it..... I know right, no set schedule (because sometimes life is spontaneous and we just went at our pace), it kind of reminds me of Dory from Finding Nemo..... "Just keep swimming swimming swimming" and that is pretty much what we did, we breezed through the easy times, and waded through the hard times, but counted our blessings along the way.

As for Brad, you will see he was working from home today (which means he's not really here as far as the kids are concerned but easily photographed.)  He is smiling and singing to some nice background music I've had on.  I am happy to report we have not had coughing fits in weeks, that he isn't short of breath, that he smiles just as much as before, and that the journey just continues to get better every day.  You sometimes forget just how special these moments with family are.... three year old superheros taking lazy autumn naps, playing video games with tweens, baking with everyone...... you just want to tattoo each of these moments in your mind...... and secretly, just between you and I, you whisper to yourself, "When I'm old, I'm going to remember this exact moment."

12 weeks yesterday

Well it seems life has caught up with us, and with me, and I have failed in my mission to post daily.  Between school and kids it has been so very busy.  Brad is doing amazing and is regularly amazed by how great he feels.  He has returned to work which has been both a blessing and a curse.... As we can all imagine, undergoing such an invasive procedure can result in some new perspectives, sometimes even apathy.  The emotional roller coaster is still there, but the hills are less steep.  I still need to remind him that opening up and talking doesn't make him weak in my eyes, but quite the contrary.  It's like we are learning a whole new language between us that neither one of us knew we spoke.

We have also started participating in the SCA, and have been thoroughly enjoying our time there!  This of course is nothing new for him, but a whole different culture for the rest of us.  It's enjoyable for everyone, Brad is showing us a new language and culture, and of course that makes him feel important, and we are learning from him..... not that this is new, just that sometimes as we progress through recovery there are different avenues and materials that we can use to assist us in the ultimate success, I believe this is one of them.  It's kind of like "thinking outside the box" so you are doing recovery and rehab but convincing your body that you are just having fun.

Day 24 - A great meal and some frustrations to

Today was overcast to start so the house finally got to cool off some.  I made a Quinoa Stoup (for those who don't know me, Stoup is a thick thick soup, that almost borders on stew)  that everyone, even the little guy loved!  I have been researching different grains, and Quinoa is one of those "ancient" grains that has some amazing qualities so I figured we'd give it a go.  As you can see by the picture it had potatoes, veggies (carrots, onions, garlic, and green onions) and quinoa in it.  The Quinoa are those little funny ball things that pop when you chew them, and make these little things that look like baby fingernails.  We partnered this with a spelt bread.

Later this evening while I took Sebastien to investigate some martial arts academies, Brad had another coughing fit that seemed to last FOREVER..... in fact, he was still having issues when we got home and for about 30 minutes after.  Normally I try to just let him go through it, giving him a cool cloth or wiping down his back, but today I got frustrated.  It's been over three weeks now, and though what he is coughing up is white, we have to be on the lookout for warning signs of pneumonia.  It's not a risk I am prepared to take.

Brad of course was maintaining his "super man" role.  Though while he is coughing, you can see the fear and the pain...... he gets frustrated and almost begs for it to stop..... After his coughing he was watching me, and asked what was wrong, and I just couldn't keep it in.  I explained that it's not just him that is coughing, that the rest of us, the whole house full, feels helpless, we worry cause he won't go to the doctor about it, and that we feel horrible for him when it happens.  And he understood and the doctor's appointment was booked for Friday morning, and I realized that sometimes you just have to tactfully tell them that you understand that it's their body, but that there is a huge impact they have on everyone else because we're all trying to help him get better.

I love that man, because as stubborn as he is, he always listens, and always cares, no matter how superhero he is.

Day 23 - Another Sparks Family Adventure

The heat has done wonders lately impeding movement for Brad, and today we decided that a jont out and about might land us somewhere new and exciting.

Our journey started this morning packing up the kiddos and traveling East when we were met with a closed road and the only place to turn was towards Hayward Lake, so we figured, why not?

Hayward Lake is absolutely stunning and warm and though Brad was not allowed in the water (no swimming or lake wading until after his 8 weeks are up minimum) he relaxed on the shore under a tree while the kiddos and I waded through the shallowest area we could find.

Brad, for the first time, felt amazing today, I mean really amazing, bordering on normal! Today he was fun Daddy, hiking a short trail, watching teenagers jump off a bridge to warm waters below, and hunting for sweet grass. He hasn't had a real coughing fit in 2 days, his incisions aren't weeping at all (even after he smacked his leg on the car), and movement is more comfortable! It's so nice being able to enjoy summer, even if it is only the last couple of weeks of it!

Day 22 - Sometimes you just need a break

It's been about two and a half weeks since Brad got out of the hospital, and things at home have been busy, from making sure the house is always clean to grocery shopping, there's always something to do; however, today we put all of that down, and the boys and I trekked out to the local spray park where I got to watch the kiddos plays, and climb. Brad wasn't able to come this time, when we were originally planning on going I ended up with a surprise migraine, so after a bit and some meds, it was most definitely time for Brad to have a nap. That being said, it was a nice break for him to, from everyone, allowing him to just spend some time with himself.

As well, a little update, Brad has not had any coughing fits now in 24 hours. We're hoping to keep him on this track. There were a few simple steps that we did to help him passed them.... removed all carbonated beverages (not like he was drinking more than one or two per day, but they really make your throat thick), we moved him on his side to cough, so that it was easier to get it up, and well as smacking his back to help break anything up. It seems to have worked so fingers are crossed!

Day 21 - Three steps forward, two steps back

I suppose it's not really three forward and two back, having gone through two nights of coughing fits though, we're both exhausted. This weekend has been one of the most difficult, not because of a lack of progress so much, but with coughing fits keeping you up all night you find yourself just beat the next day, so you struggle to maintain your progress where it is, until this stage has passed because to try to push forward is enough to completely drain you.

Brad is spending more time with the kids now. Enjoying time on the computer, playing board games, and of course you can't make it through a day without racing your hotwheels cars! This is the first weekend where Brad has started coming back into his norm. It's amazing to see this progress everyday, and even more enjoyable to see the look on the kids faces as they see their daddy coming back. One day at a time.

Day 20 - Moving forward

I know I'm late on posting, please accept our apologies. Things have been busy to say the least and as such the blog was the last to be updated, so we are going to update two days in a row, today.

Some of the things that we find difficult right now is the season, the heat and the humidity. Sometimes it would be amazingly easier to have the kiddos in school during the day so that we can get the rest and calmness that would be invaluable right now. That's not to say that the kids haven't been helpful, Sebastien helps with laundry and sweeping/mopping, Tyler does dishes, and picks up toys and such on the floor, and little James is Brad's personal retriever and will fetch anything his Daddy needs! Still, having a house full of kids when the temp is so high that you can't really go anywhere is like running a three ring circus!

As well, with the summer heat has come added humidity that has resulted in coughing fits, typically in the evening. One would think that after nearly three weeks that these fits wouldn't be too bad, but they are excruciating! It's really difficult for him, and for me, as there is this feeling of helplessness and an inability to do anything short of set him up in the living room where we have a portable air conditioner.

We're still waiting on Brad's short term disability to kick in, and it seems that Canada Post has lost the paperwork. Thankfully his work (who has been so very supportive and absolutely amazing) has kept copies of everything for us!

As well, one of the other things we have faced is this odd co-existence, if you will, of those in the house. It's hard to adjust to having scars and fears of being hurt, falling, bumping into someone, and regularly you will find Brad shying away from someone touching him. And having to chase after kids who are arguing and carrying on can be difficult and nerve wracking, but we're pushing through. All in all progress is good, and Brad is progressing amazingly well!

Day 19 - Feeling a little exposed.

Well today was the day that Brad got his steri strips off his chest, and his sutures removed! James of course had to help out by putting a band-aide on his arm. It's really quite shocking just how well he is healing. Underneath all the stuff there was yet ANOTHER staple! I'm so tempted to call up the hospital and let them know, but really, all it will do is create a ruckus and waste energy.

I was hoping to go out today, but with the heat where it was sitting, it really just wasn't safe, even though we're at 3 weeks after surgery.

I know this post is short, and being posted the morning after the day it is for, but last night Brad and I were taking some time together, and that's not something that you just walk away from! Really happy with how things are progressing!

Day 18 - Sometimes you just have to be human

Today was a big day, not so much for where we went, or what the family did, but rather a step in the human direction. Brad is one of those guys, you know the kind, where the kids view him as an indestructible force that could not only take on every burglar, wrong-doer, and law breaker, but could make superman weep in an eighth of a second. He knows all the answers to all the questions asked or unasked, how to fix a fence and when to burp without making mom upset. As a husband he is a rock, the very cornerstone of my existence, my him.... however, with all of that he carries with him this weight of feeling he *always* needs to be just that, an impenetrable fortress.

And today he allowed himself to be human without the world coming to an end, but rather building that strength between us.

It's funny, but not, that he, like most super human husbands and daddies, forget that we as wives and supporters need to be brought into that circle, that inner person, that place that they seem to think is weak.

Today Brad told me that he felt like he had taken away summer, and that he felt this was all his fault, that he was making life difficult for us, that his limitations made him look weak, and today he was surprised that I saw those words, and that opening up, by the strength it took for him to do it. This is not to say that he never opened up before, he and I have always shared everything, but sometimes it takes a gentle reminder to remember our perspectives, that a temporary ailment isn't going to change the views of those that love you, and having the strength to share that only makes you stronger in the eyes of those that care.

And then he smiled, and I smiled, and we took the kiddos out for a treat at McDonalds, and to see a juggler at the library. The kiddos had a phenomenal time, and afterwards played tag with some new friends they had made at the event. It really was a wonderful day, and it's nice to regain perspective.

Day 17 - It's a walk around the block...

Today is going to be a short update simply because today was a nice quiet day. Sure I had my usual rat race chasing the kiddos and trying to juggle when I could take a breather and whether or not that break was worth the catastrophe of what would be left behind the kiddos!

Brad's steri-strips are coming off slowly, more so because I think we are both nervous about losing that added support. His arm is almost completely free of them, and they have started coming loose from his legs. The ones on his chest however, seem to be holding tight, and he is still oozing a bit from his incision there. Nothing serious, in fact the more I research, the more I realize that this is pretty much the norm.... however we have to make sure to take them off at the right time, as there are supporting stitches below and to the sides that need to be attended to and removed before they become fused with his skin. It's an interesting juggle.

As well, today Brad made it around the block, and we don't have a small block! He had to push himself the last 4-5 driveways, but that's how we make progress and Brad was feeling much better afterwards.

He has had a pain in his shoulder, but nothing really serious.... and this dissipates after some light exercise. It's hard to remember that even on down days we have to make sure that he's doing that puttering around.

All in all a nice relaxing day.

Day 16 - A Sparks Family Excursion

Last night was the end of a series of 3 days where Brad was not using his spirometer (a funny ball and hose thingy that helps to expand your lungs after surgery) because he had become quite comfortable and capable.... unfortunately, as is the case with most who try this too early, last night he felt quite short of breath. Not a gasping feeling but rather just breathing shallow. I don't think either of us really realized just how important that little machine really is (until you try to survive without one for awhile!)

Thankfully his situation last night was remedied with some thoughtful, meditative deep breaths, and a couple of reps with the spirometer. Today he is breathing much easier.

This morning we finally had the opportunity to take a tour of the longhouses and pit houses of the Xa'ytem as well as see Hatzic Rock. It really was an amazing adventure! Even more so, was learning some of the traditions, such as underground houses, and that pow wow's and sweat lodges, though they are now becoming common, are not traditional for our region (according to our tour guide), nor did they have totem poles here either. That the people who lived there, the Sto:lo, lived there not for centuries, but millenia, dating back nearly 8600 years!

It really was educational, as well, horribly interesting for all of us including Brad. Originally when we looked at the information about the tour, we were nervous, as it stated that the tour, which is with a private tour guide, is about 45 minutes. We were not sure if Brad would be able to comfortably handle a 45 minute tour, but decided to give it a try.

The tour opened with a wonderful lady, our tour guide, singing a song of welcome, a song that would have been sung if they were welcoming visitors to the old village. James got to participate with this, on his own, and then later, after the tour he asked if he could play a drum and sing with her. She obliged, handed him a drum and a stick, and he kept beat with her about 80% of the time! Definitely his father's son!

Shortly after the welcome and viewing some of the artifacts, we went to one of the newer pit houses. It was nice and cool in the pit houses, and immediately we knew why they had chosen to live beneath the Earth, as it kept the climate in the home pretty much the same all year around.

Finally we ventured out to one of the Hatzic Rocks, or great transformation rocks, which had a beautiful legend that accompanied it. It really was a wonderful morning, and Brad wasn't even winded by the time we left.

We're finding more and more with each passing day, that Brad's stamina continues to rise; I on the other hand am tired, but so very happy to see the progress. I think the most difficult part for me is knowing that he has temporary limitations, but I don't view him that way.... as limited.... let alone the kiddos..... It makes for a difficult balance and a challenge at times, and remains a conscious effort and regular reminders to ourselves and each other seem to always be necessary.

Day 15 - It's not about the driver, it's about the crew...

Brad titled today's post because, as he put it, he "would be sitting in a pile of dust and debris eating only scrambled eggs and cheese if it wasn't for us." I don't want anyone to think that we, for even one instant, take for granted the hard road that is behind and ahead of Brad, but in all honesty it truly is a team effort. Today was a prime example.... James is 3, and not just 3, but a 3 year old who spent a total of 14 days (no he didn't spend the night) in the hospital with his Daddy. He saw every emotion, every fear, every hope, and though at 3 he can't verbalize as much as his older brothers, the fact is, right now, because of that, he is a bit of a tornado.... In fact if you were to put him on the scale that they use for tornados he'd likely hit F4 or F5 (and for those that don't know that's about a 10 out of 10!)

As such, he's constantly getting into something, needing attention about something etc. and it truly is a team effort on everyone's part to include him. This makes him feel safe and secure, as well, makes the older two feel more appreciated, and involved as well.

No, we don't regret our decision about bringing James everyday to the hospital, if we had left him with a sitter, I doubt we'd (or they for that matter) would be able to live with him, and alternatively, had I spent less time at the hospital with Brad, I can most certainly guarantee either he, I, but most likely both of us, would be facing a depression by now. It's really all about the family unit working together as a team.

This way Brad gets the support and cheerleadership he needs, the kids learn some responsibility, and James is attended to at all times.

For those curious, yes, I have personally managed to get out of the house solo a couple of times with the older two helping Daddy, and some skillfully placed distractions. It's really amazing how quickly things start to pick up after that first week, and it shows with Brad. That's not to say we're taking any of it for granted, but at least we are moving forward!

On another great note, Brad is down almost 30 lbs since he was first admitted to hospital and his blood sugar levels are perfect!

Day 14 - A Day for rest

Last night I barely slept.... I think mainly it's because Brad was sleeping so well, and of course his sleep talking/acting is hillarious. Last night was no different.... Brad was laying there fast asleep, and then, just like a puppy he kind of snuggled into his pillow and whimpered about ever second. At first I woke him to make sure he wasn't in pain, and he wasn't so when he continued later, I just sat there and smiled.

You never really realize the quality of sleep you get unless it's really really good or really really bad..... last night's sleep for Brad was, in all honesty, normal, so I just sat there and watched. I made sure his fever didn't get out of hand, I adjusted his covers, and then I went out on the back porch to listen to the rain. Though I didn't sleep much, I must have needed some alone me time, because I thoroughly enjoyed it, was like my own personal serenade.

It's been exactly two weeks since we started the blog, and things are progressing wonderfully. Today was our day for rest, even I had a nap! It would have truly been a day for rest if the kiddos didn't argue, but hey, you win some you lose some.

Today is also the first evening since the amazing vanishing fever didn't show up! We're obviously still monitoring things very closely but we're happy to see that he is temperature free.

Last week we attempted to lower Brad's dose of Tylenol, but were unable, so tomorrow is the big day for that as well. cutting his lunch dose in half then his dinner dose (cause let's face it, before bed and first thing in the morning are going to be the last ones we touch).

It seems that I have thrown my back out a bit, not actually out, but I am definitely walking around like a little old lady. Tylenol is my friend!

For the record this last picture is a blurry kiss for daddy from a non-stop three year old.... I just couldn't help but make sure it got in the blog! Super Pickle with his Super Daddy!

Day 13 - Cravings, swollen ankles, and tender chest.... wait a minute....

Last night things went great, we stayed up late and chatted a bit..... we even went through the fun of comparing Canadian Medicine to American Medicine.

Brad is starting to get some flavours back, finally. You see, they tell you in the hospital that your sense of taste can change after a serious surgery, and for Brad, that meant that all flavours other than egg and cheese essentially disappeared. Everything was bland. So little by little I have been adding to his pallet. First it was Eggs with Cheese, then eggs with cheese with garlic, then eggs with cheese and garlic and sun dried tomatoes (which by the way before this he never liked but now loves).

As well, they mention to listen to cravings, like that of a pregnant woman (which is ironic because that is something that Brad and I have always done, and it rings true here: if you crave something, I mean, deep down to your bones crave it, it is because your body is craving something from within that particular food item). Today, for Brad, it was bananas.... which is a great sign that his body is needing potassium and thankfully we had some here.

During his nap today I made Brad some home made baked chips using extra virgin olive oil with garlic and sundried tomatoes, and I'm happy to announce they were a hit. Time consuming to make only because I had 40 tortillas that I bought, and each tortilla had to be cut into 8 then brushed with the concoction then sprinkled then baked for 15 minutes.... I still have 20 to go. I figured it best to ensure he would enjoy them though, and they were a nice treat for when he woke up.

Yesterday we noticed a staple that the hospital had left behind accidentally. Best we can figure is it was hidden down below the incision when they were closing, and with mild swelling, was missed when they took out the staples. Was quite cute yesterday when Brad was getting out of the shower, and I glanced over his shoulder and remarked "Check that out, you're shiney!"

This was another trip to the doc this week to have it removed before new skin adhered to it (for those keeping track, that's three trips to the doctor and 2 calls from doctors in a week ~ honestly that *should* be a record or something!)

We also went for a drive today, in the country, in the first rain we've seen in approximately 40 days. It was cool and fresh out, and I wish I had known that he'd be wanting to go for a drive, because I would have loved to snap a couple of shots of it, but this seems to be the pattern for us..... every time we venture out I am sans camera.

Tonight he is making dinner, granted it's something easy, but again, the more puttering the better.... and it's the first time for him to make dinner since getting out. I think he figured I was exhausted after dancing like a mad woman with our 3 year old in the living room this afternoon (though I must admit the kid's got rhythm!)

Though Brad is feeling a tich off, which is to be expected, he is doing really quite well. I was really curious, as we had heard that several people become very spiritual after surgeries such as this, but found that rather than become *very* spiritual, we have both kind of progressed the same, seeking the same groundedness that we had many moons ago, before kids, and soccer, and dance, and toddler play time, and dinners, and sleep overs etc. I think we need to take the time to allow ourselves that, and it's just a matter of juggling a little to sort out how we can accomplish it.

I know, somewhat of a boring update, but in all honesty that's what we're thriving for, progress and when/if we have to be observed by doctors, to be a boring patient....

Day 12 - Curious Side Effects

Last night was the first night since he got home, that Brad slept through the night, in our bed no less! It hasn't always been easy, especially with those broad shoulders, we have been very careful to ensure that they get the appropriate amount of support so as not to pull on his incision - so picture Brad in a queen sized bed with a pillow on each side, and then try to slide me in there beside him! It was then we discovered his curious side effects.

There we were, watching T.V. in bed, and Brad dozes off for about 3 minutes or so before he starts fiddling his fingers near my rump. I just sat there and watched for about a minute before I asked him just what he was doing.... apparently folding pictures! Shortly there after he was trying to snap me into one of those baskets that hang below rescue helicopters, and then finally he laughed, so loud that he literally woke himself up! He giggled all night long, and all I could think was how great it was to know he was having good dreams! It seems my issues with trying to sleep beside the loudest snorer in the west has shifted!

As well yesterday evening Brad's fever showed up again, and then again, disappeared. It's still a little concerning, especially when the doctor, whom we saw yesterday, called to see how things were going. Add to that that Brad's chest incision is still a bit oozy.... Thankfully, and yet not, the hospital had accidentally left a staple in his chest so we have to go in tomorrow to have it removed. Talk about a series of strange events.

Today we decided to make sure his fever wasn't caused by going out during the day (it's been quite hot lately and extreme temperatures aren't recommended of course), so today we kept Brad home as kind of a test, and yet again, his low grade fever has reared it's head again this evening. It's definitely something we are going to have to monitor.

Then later this afternoon Brad has his first "surprise attack sneeze" that although he was able to cover his chest, hurt, immensely! It's the first time he's really felt pain since the procedure!

Otherwise things have been great, we got grocery shopping done, and put away, picked up a new toaster, and got a prescription filled. Brad has been puttering around all day and been really helpful (which honestly makes us both feel great). Tonight I think we are going to relax and enjoy the remnants of summer, watch a couple of brainless shows, and maybe putter around the computer.